Friday, February 1, 2008

Tom Brady Can't Lose

How can you possibly bet against a guy who is this cool under pressure?

By the way, there was a great piece in Barstool Sports today about the people you watch the Super Bowl with. I'd have to say that I fit in somewhere between "Volume Guy" and "Disgruntled (insert team here) Fan". Because much as I try to have a good time during the big game festivities, eating and drinking as much as is humanly possible, I can't help but feel like I should be paying closer attention to what's taking place on the screen, having invested the previous 20 weekends of my life into watching as much football as I already have... And then there's that whole sickness I have where I can't help but to compare every conceivable championship game-situation to one of the countless scarring childhood memories I have of watching the Buffalo Bills blow four consecutive Super Bowls...

People You Watch the Super Bowl With: Volume 1
by Peter Manzo

Now a few months back I wrote an article entitled “Guys You Watch the NFL With” and hopefully most football-watching dudes could relate. There was “Conspiracy Guy” who for whatever reason always thinks the entire league is out to “get” his favorite team; there was “Horse Collar Guy” who thinks every fucking tackle is a horse collar, and there was “Go For It on 4th Down Guy” who wants the coach to go for it FAR too often on 4th down.

There were a couple others I don’t remember, but right now we’re aiming at a far greater audience than just guys who watch the NFL. This time we’re aiming for the entire population of humanity – women, children, trivia hosts, lesbians without cable, grandma, grandpa, pets, people convicted on judge shows, ALL of whom will be watching Super Bowl 42 between the Pats and the Giants, one week from Sunday on Fox.

Prop Bet Guy” – Prop Bet Guy is a fucking riot. Actually he’s completely insane. After every play he’s either celebrating another win or pissed off at another heartbreaking loss. It’s easy to spot Prop Bet Guy - he usually comes out firing. It’s like he’s at the NFL Combines when he pulls out a stopwatch for the National Anthem, and then shortly thereafter he’s yelling “Tails! Tails!” to try and even things out. Remember, a lot of these prop bets do not JUST involve the game in front of you. Sure there’s the standard individual player over/under type bets, but if Lawrence Tynes just nails a 52 yarder and some guy in a cold sweat asks “how many points did Kobe have today?”, just a hunch, he’s probably not a Lakers fan.

Volume Guy” – No matter where you watch this year’s game, they’ll always be a guy asking for “more volume” on the TV. There could be 1000 people in the room all screaming “Horse Collar!” at the top of their lungs, clearly making it impossible to hear the TV anyway, but for whatever reason Volume Guy is obsessed with hearing the game. It’s like heroin for this guy. He NEEDS volume. “Hey dude, can we get some volume on that thing?” Naturally the host or whoever will promptly ignore him and he’ll get into even more of a tizzy. “Volume dude, I need volume!” Now this year if he’s that obsessed with listening to Joe Buck, it’s time to call the authorities.

Senor Squares” – Listen, I used to be “Senor Squares” and I hated it. That’s right, for Bucs/Raiders and Pats/Sex Panthers I was the guy scrambling around the bar before kickoff with a pen, a stack of singles and an 8’ by 10’ grid of quasi-legal Super Bowl squares. It just got to be too much of a pain in ass though. People keep coming up to you every 10 seconds asking you who’s winning and what their numbers are because they’re too fucked up to remember. Which is fine. But be nice to Senor Squares, technically this is his volunteer work for the entire year. Good luck getting him to do anything nice for you til 2009.

Disgruntled Dolphins Fan” – I’ve never seen a more disgruntled NFL fan base than this current crop of Miami Dolphin fans. It’s like their whole world is crumbling down before their very eyes. First they had the Brady Quinn fiasco, then they went 1-15, now the Pats are about to swoop their most cherished and sacred record of an undefeated season. The steak at Shula’s just doesn’t taste the same anymore for some reason. Bottom line is if you hear somebody cheering after the G-men score, if he’s not wearing any Giant paraphernalia, chances are there’s a Disgruntled Dolphin fan in the house.

Degenerate Massholes Who Bet the Pats” – The only scarier individual come next Sunday night than Dolphin fans could very well be Degenerate Massholes Who Bet the Pats. Be careful. If you look up the word bittersweet in the dictionary you'll see a picture of them. Perfect season, my ass. This team hasn’t covered since the Pittsburgh game! Per usual, Vegas is smarter than me, you and everyone else not nicknamed The Greek. I have a feeling gamblers from Maine to Hartford will be letting it ride one last time with the Pats here minus 13. And while Bob Kraft, Belichick, Brady and Bruschi are celebrating their 7 point win at mid-field in Arizona, there’s going be some people in Greater Boston whose families might not be eating for the next several weeks.

People Who Cheer the Commercials” – I never understood People Who Cheer the Commercials. It’s a corporate advertisement, not a successful emergency landing. Other than the Miller Lite Cat Fight from a while back, I don’t think I’ve ever shown any emotion (I cried) after a Super Bowl ad. And what happened to the Bud Bowl? I freaking loved the Bud Bowl. Supposedly it jumped the shark when “Bud Dry” made the spot start at QB for Bud Light. Also note, the people who cheer the commercials are usually the same people who win the squares pool…

Post-Game Hookup Chick” – Unless you’re married or a complete degenerate, odds are you’ve got your eye on a potential post-game hookup since the National Anthem. Here’s a prop bet for you: how many plays will you miss this year but pretend to actually see because you were staring in her direction? 12-12.5? Now because the game usually falls on a Sunday things could get tricky, but I know for a fact one of my good buddies hooked up with a random after Pats-Eagles in ‘05. In fact he even guaranteed it ala Joe Namath before the game. He was a proud Pats fan, she was “just there for the Bud Light”, next thing you know he’s sending text messages with multiple exclamation points from her apartment at 1 in the morning. Final score: Jets 16, Colts 7.

So there you have it, People You Watch the Super Bowl With: Volume 1. Good luck on your prop bets, getting ass and of course, enjoy the game. See you next year for Pats vs. -Insert NFC Team- and we’ll roll the dice with Volume 2.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Correction: Tom Brady CAN lose. My apologies to anyone who took this prognostication to heart... or to their bookie.