Mike Tyson

I have been debating for literally months as to whether or not to post this compilation of Mike Tyson sound bites. I wanted to post them because they are unquestionably some of the funniest moments to ever take place in the history of mankind. I mean, the "Praise be to Allah!" rant is the sports soliloquy equivalent of discovering plutonium by accident, and the "I'll f#ck you 'til you love me, FAGGOT" followed immediately thereafter by the "Knock drugs out of your life by just saying NO" commercial is a piece of editorial genius... And when you get right down to it, nobody drops the word "fornicate" into a conversation with nearly the same style or eloquence as Iron Mike... But every time I watch this montage (and make no mistake, I have viewed this clip on multiple occasions), I can't help but to feel sorry for the man. I honestly can't think of a more tragic figure our generation has seen.

The guy had it all: the youngest man to ever win the World Heavyweight Title, more money than you'd think it ever possible to spend, Robin Givens on his arm, and a video game in his image that helped to shape my childhood more than I'd probably like to admit. And to look at him now... it's one of the saddest falls from grace I can ever imagine.

And yes, the man is almost assuredly a monster. He's a convicted rapist, and he has a tattoo on his face that makes the dolphin-swimming-through-the-unintelligible-Chinese-symbol on the small of my back seem like a good idea. But just like most other monsters, I can't help but to feel that he's more a reflection of society and the people he had surrounding him than anything else (think: Mary Shelley's Frankenstein; the creation rebelling against its creator).

I've heard him refered to as one of the greatest boxing minds the world has ever known. When Cus D'Amato was training him, the boxing legend was filling Mike's head with a history of the sport that is essentially unparalleled, and you can even depict some of it in his infamous "I want your heart, I wanna eat your children" rant when he references Sonny Liston and Jack Dempsey. But Tyson surrounded himself with bad people. He was just a kid, and he didn't know any better. He had people use him. He had people lie to him. He had people steal from him. And he had all of those people turn their backs on him when he probably needed them the most. I'm not making excuses for the guy, I'm just saying...

But in light of all of those things, this is still pound-for-pound one of the all-time greatest Youtube clips, and I can't ever manage to get past the part where he says: "I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in the fuckin' head or stomp on their testicles" without spitting my drink all over my computer screen.


Click HERE to see Tyson biting Evander Holyfield's ear off

And click HERE to see something even more improbable: Little Mac knocking out Iron Mike in Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.