For the second straight year, the ARE YOU HARD All-Stars have fallen just shy in the finals of the Natty Light Fantasy Football Pool. And as Marv Levy can attest, it doesn't get any easier the second time around (or the third... or the fourth). And with the WWE Replica Heavyweight Championship Belt in the building for today's matchup, let's just say that this one stung a little; or to put it more accurately: I feel like I've been kicked in the junk by a caber-weilding Scotsman for the second consecutive year.
And I know that it would be impossible for a human being to care any less about another man's fantasy football roster (because as we know, when guys talk fantasy football, they're not actually listening to what the other guy is saying; they're just waiting their turn to talk about their own team), but I feel as though my guys deserve some stroking for bringing me as far as they did this year. Because in the end, making the finals in a 30 team IDP league in consecutive seasons is almost something to be proud of. So just think of this as one of those Oscar Awards acceptance speeches written by Richard Burton that you never got to hear.
I first need to thank Eric Mangini for motivating Bill Belichick and the rest of the Patriots this year, which allowed my late round selection of Wes Welker to turn into the fantasy steal of the year, and in turn made Jabar Gaffney an essential piece of the ARE YOU HARD All-Stars down the stretch. I need to acknowledge the patellar tendon of Cadillac Williams, whose tearing opened the door for Earnest Graham and made him the fantasy monster that he was for me in 2007. Steve Smith was up and down all year, but he came up huge for me last week in the semi finals and allowed me to upset the heavily favoured CITY GUY. Frank Gore showed a lot of heart playing through injuries, and despite the fact that he would have to be classified as a fantasy disappointment, I love the way he plays and would take him again in a heartbeat. Selvin Young showed flashes of brilliance coming off the bench, but just couldn't get it done in the end. Rookie wall. And a memo to Todd Heap for holding my TE position hostage all year: remember when Mrs. Finkle suggested that Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell? That's kind of how I feel about you right now. I'm taking Jason Whitten next year.
On the defensive side, you just can't say enough about Charles Woodson and David Harris. Those guys have a place on my D any year. And my kicker, Mason Crosby: who would have ever guessed that a kid from Lubbock, Texas could make such a difference. And finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my quarterbacks: Trent Green (55 pts), Kellen Clemmens (47 pts), Todd Collins (28 pts), Kyle Boller (12 pts), Byron Leftwich (11 pts), Kelly Holcomb (9 pts), Steve McNair (-1 pt), and Gus Frerotte (-4 pts)... And now you can see why I will forever be a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Congratulations to Team Slovenia on their first Natty Light Title. What can you say? When the opposition is rolling out the likes of Kurt Warner and Bobby Wade, all you can do is tip your cap and concede that the better team won.
Let me begin by saying that there is a long and storied history of Holiday dysfunction in the McCallum family. The tradition began back in the mid-60's when my Grandfather; presumably after a little too much Christmas Eve mirth and merriment; while attempting to retrieve the presents that Santa had stowed away in the loft above the garage, ended up taking a spill off the ladder and wound up on the concrete floor of the garage with a couple of broken ribs. The torch was proudly passed on to my father who, in his younger days, would enjoy the mirth and merriment of the season with a little too much gusto, and there are tales of hitchiking in blizzards and public urination that we need not delve into. As the eldest McCallum in the next generation, I was a quick learner and was keen to pick up on what my role was supposed to be, leading to an incident one Christmas Eve where I stayed at a Christmas party drinking Scotch until after 3 in the morning, missing the family holiday tradition of eating shrimp and sausage rolls while watching "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation", and capping it all off by passing out in the basement and puking violently into my sleeping bag until sunrise...
We call this time-honoured family tradition "Ruining Christmas", and it has become an ongoing competition to see who will be the family member lucky enough to "Ruin Christmas" that particular year.
This year, however, it seems there was competition for the coveted crown of Christmas Destroyer. I'll leave it to the dotcomrades to determine the victor:
Contestant #1: My Dad
So, after a ridiculously action-packed Christmas Eve day of visiting my Aunt and her boyfriend in Waterdown, my Unkle and Aunt in Oakville for brunch and multiple cocktails, the Sullivan family for many more cocktails, the Foley family for a quick hello, and then embarking on a 3-hour drive through slush and sleet before finally arriving in Dornoch, we settled in for a night of "National Lampoon's" and a few choice beverages, and it seemed as though we were well on our way to a Christmas gone according to plan. Could it be possible that we go a Christmas without having someone commit a highly offensive act of sacrilege? Say it ain't so.
Luckily, we awoke the following morning to a ghastly sight:
It turns out that my parents have been having a few visitors to their property of late. And despite the fact that one of the main reasons they moved to Grey Bruce County was to be closer to nature, apparently they enjoy playing the role of God and determining exactly which brand of nature they remain close to. And wild turkeys are not the kind of nature they enjoy being close to. So on the morning of the 25th, my dad decided to celebrate the birth of Christ by playing Lee Harvey Oswald to the Meleagris gallopavo's Kennedy. Apparently, wild turkeys were not present at the nativity scene.
The result was that, as we sat in the living room with the shimmering tinsel bedecked tree and Bing Crosby singing for a white Christmas, we were experiencing the magic of family and experiencing all of the wonders of the holiday season while looking out onto the scene of a crime, the blood-spattered carcass still laying splayed in the snow not 50-feet from the house. A holly jolly Christmas indeed.
My favourite part of the whole incident is my dad's rationalization for brandishing his .22 at something as innocent as a large-ish Galliformes. He loves to tell me: "It's a different world up here. You have no idea what it's like. Up here, it's kill or be killed." I'm not sure of the last time that a pack of malevolent wild turkeys ransacked a man's house and systematically slaughtered his family, but I guess I'll have to take his word for it.
Contestant #2: My Girlfriend
So, Sandra and I, for reasons both logistical (her parents live near Chatham, mine near Owen Sound - a five hour drive in the best of conditions) and nostalgic (neither one of us could remember the last Christmas spent with just the family), decided to spend Christmas with our own respective families. And I have to say, it was a real treat for both of us. I can't remember the last time the five members of my immediate family spent 36 hours together, and it really was something special, the above-mentioned senseless killing notwithstanding. And I believe Sandra felt the same way, expressing how special it was to spend Christmas day with her family.
In any event, Sandra's older sister Jessica had flown home from Newfoundland for the holidays, which was another reason Sandra wanted to be home with her family. Now, as has been documented in the past, Sandra and Jessica have a "love-hate relationship"... and that might be understating it. They seem to get along famously on the phone (I know this because, whenever I do something wrong, Sandra is almost immediately on the phone with Jessica explaining exactly what I did that was so "insensitive"), but when it comes to seeing one another face-to-face, those estrogen-fuelled sparks seem to inexplicably ignite, more often than not leaving a path of bitterness and tears in their wake. Believe me when I say that is usually isn't pretty.
Cue Boxing Day. After a December 25th filled with joy and happiness, the Tipping girls were a little less-than-chipper early Wednesday morning as they awoke to embark on the 5-hour drive to an Aunt's house in Thornbury for their extended family Christmas. I guess they were already way behind schedule, so as Sandra was packing the truck with everything they needed to bring to Thornbury, Jessica decided that she wanted to take the family's new car for a spin. Again, they were already late, so Sandra felt that a leisurely drive through town probably wasn't in the family's best interest. Toss in the fact that it was 7 o'clock in the morning, Jessica wasn't helping to load the truck, and Sandra is a middle child, and you can probably imagine that Sandra was antagonizing her older sister. But again, this is purely speculation on my part.
What happened next was the sort of thing you'd expect to see in the sequal to "A Christmas Story."
Apparently Jessica had spent the previous two days working tirelessly on a gingerbread house to bring as a showpiece to the family Christmas on Boxing Day. She'd fashioned the sculpture in the shape of a lighthouse (because she lives in Newfoundland), decorated it with candy (including gummy sharks swimming in a candy blue sea), and had even gone so far as to melt sugar into liquid in order to give the lighthouse windows an authentic feel. It warrants mentioning that Jessica is one of the most creative people I know, so I can only imagine what this thing must have looked like... Breathtaking.
In any event, she'd completed the gingerbread house late Christmas night, and had it packaged in a cardboard box with layers of duct tape for safekeeping, all ready to be shipped along with the family up to Thornbury.
Which brings us back to Boxing Day morning. Jessica is scraping the ice off of her parents new car so she can take it for a joyride, while Sandra is packing Jessica's stuff into the truck. Sandra doesn't like the fact that Jessica is unnecessarily making the family even later than they already are, so she makes some kind of middle-child comment to the effect of: "If you want to go for a drive, that's fine... we'll just see if your gingerbread house makes it onto the truck in one piece..." As she said this, she was pretending to kick the gingerbread house, but claims that she didn't make any contact.
The insinuation of sabotage must have made Jessica go off, because she immediately charged Sandra with the ice scraper and swung like a pre-Mitchell-report Slammin' Sammy Sosa, hitting Sandra in the arm with such force that she fell to the ground screaming and writhing in pain. You probably know where this one is going.
So infuriated with her sister's violent actions was Sandra that she got up from the ground, dusted herself off, and proceeded to treat Jessica's priceless work of edible art as if it were a 45-yard field goal attempt in the Foxboro snow, booting that Gingerbread Lighthouse halfway to Thamesville, and obliterating it into a thousand pieces in the process. I'm pretty sure that estrogen-spiked bedlam ensued, and you can use your imagination as to what kind of action unfolded in the aftermath.
Needless to say, there was a palpable tension in the air for the next 5 hours as the family crammed into the truck and drove on their merry way to experience all of the magic that the holiday season has to offer. And perhaps even more needless to say is the fact that Sandra and her sister haven't spoken to one another since.
So there you have it. Two families. Two Christmas's ruined. And I'm proud to say that I was a part of both of them.
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.
To this day, this remains the single funniest clip from one of the great shows of the early '90's. And I have to say, this scene has aged like a bottle of French Pomerol. I really can't get enough of it, particularly the views where you can see Will dancing along at the side of the stage. A strip tease for the ages.
In the past 24 hours, in response to my mini-rant aimed at my unadulterated loathing for the pecuniary-commercial complex into which this this festive time has seemingly morphed, I have had an unprecedented number of people tell me how much they hate Christmas. Clearly, this was not my intent, because like the song by the same title suggests, "it's the most wonderful time of the year"... or at least it's supposed to be.
So to put a little Christmas cheer back into the season, here is my list of the top 12 holiday inspired tunes you may or may not come across this Yuletide season.
12 - "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" - John Lennon and Yoko Ono
My dad will probably disown me for putting this song at #12, and I won't argue that this is one of the all-time great songs. But the fact is, it gets so overplayed this time of year that it's almost too much for me to handle. And although I'm not at the point where I would ever change the station when it comes on, I'm thinking about it. This song is also tainted for me because we used to half-heartedly sing it after the annual Christmas assembly back in highschool; you know, a bunch of affluent and upwardly mobile kids from the suburbs pretending to sympathize with those who have nothing, most of whom are immediately thereafter jumping into their parents' S.U.V.s and driving home to dig through the attic in order to see whether or not they're getting that new discman they asked for... it always seemed a touch contrived for my liking.
This track might have been a couple of places higher were it not for the fact that Yoko Ono was prominently involved.
11 - "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" - U2
This is a great rockin' version of a great, rockin' song. I can remember air-guitaring to this bad-boy in my parents' living room back in the day, and as far as I know, the world is still waiting for indie rock sensations Los Locos to cover this track at the Christmas/New Year's party that never quite happened.
10 - "Christmas in Hollis" - Run DMC
The first time I heard this song was in the 10th grade when my mom came home with a copy of "A Very Special Christmas". I honestly couldn't believe that Run DMC was on a Christmas album, and to this day, I think this remains one of the most original Christmas songs on the books. Nothing says Christmas like chicken and collard greens. Bonus points for sampling Clarence Carter's "Back Door Santa". Click HERE to see the totally rad 80's video that accompanies the song.
9 - "Little Saint Nick" - The Beach Boys
A Beach Boys original that for all intents and purposes could have appeared on the "Little Deuce Coupe" album. All of the signature falsetto melodies are there (Brian Wilson showing his genius yet again, even in the realm of cheezy novelty songs), and I oftentimes find myself walking down the snow-blanketed city streets singing that "run, run, Reindeeeeer" refrain that just sounds so damn good, no matter what the time of year.
8 - "Do They Know It's Christmas?" - Band Aid
The original charity super-group song, this classic has managed to endure the test of time. The intent was to raise money and awareness for the starving children in Ethiopia, and I think it's safe to say that the mission was accomplished. I still love this song, and I think the message is as poignant as ever: we really should be trying to feed the world, you know, instead of trying to race your neighbour for the last Guitar Hero at the local WalMart.
"Do They Know It's Christmas" seems to bring it back to what it's all about. It's kind of like the anti-pecuniary-commercial-complex anthem.
Click HERE to see what George Michael looked like before anyone ever suspected he was anything beyond a vigourously heterosexual heartthrob.
7 - "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band
Despite the fact that this isn't the version you'll be hearing on the radio this year, you have to admit that it's pretty killer. And I won't lie to you: every time Clarence does his "HO-HO-HO-HO...", I get all warm and giggly inside. I really feel like a kid whenever I hear this song, and you can tell that the guys in the band are like little kids up there too.
My favourite part of the radio version is in the introduction when The Boss gives the imagery of Asbury Park in the winter ("It's all cold down on the boardwalk") and then asks the band whether or not they've been good ("you guys been practicin' real hard?"). An essential track around the McCallum household come December.
6 - "Jingle Bell Rock" - Bobby Helms
When we were driving to Boston last weekend, I was sitting in the back of the Sully bus with a cooler full of beer. There was an inch of snow on the inside of the windows, which meant that Christmas couldn't be far off, but truth be told, I hadn't even given it a thought. We obviously had the tunes blasting, digging every track coming across the dial, when all of a sudden this Bobby Helms classic came across the airwaves. We were 5 dudes careening down the highway at one o'clock in the morning, and not a one of us would have ever dreamed of changing the channel. It was unanimous. We were digging "Jingle Bell Rock". To me, that's a great song.
It was at about that time, singing drukenly along to that rockabilly classic, that I thought to myself, "You know what? I need to do a top-12 Christmas song piece." So you could say that "Jingle Bell Rock" was the inspiration for this column.
Bonus points for appearing in "Lethal Weapon".
5 - "Fairytale of New York" - The Pogues
Forget Christmas tunes. The magnum opus of Shane MacGowan should appear on any sensible human being's top-50 list of all-time tracks. The hope and optimism amidst the despondent misery in this song is so quintessentially Irish that it might as well be the Island's lonesome lullaby. To me, there might not be any better opening line than: "It was Christmas eve babe / In the drunk tank..."
In fact, the entire lyrics warrant printing. They're that good:
It was Christmas Eve babe In the drunk tank An old man said to me, won't see another one And then he sang a song The Rare Old Mountain Dew I turned my face away And dreamed about you Got on a lucky one Came in eighteen to one I've got a feeling This year's for me and you So happy Christmas I love you baby I can see a better time When all our dreams come true They've got cars big as bars They've got rivers of gold But the wind goes right through you It's no place for the old When you first took my hand On a cold Christmas Eve You promised me Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome You were pretty Queen of New York City When the band finished playing They howled out for more Sinatra was swinging, All the drunks they were singing We kissed on a corner Then danced through the night The boys of the NYPD choir Were singing "Galway Bay" And the bells were ringing out For Christmas day
You're a bum You're a punk You're an old slut on junk Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed You scumbag, you maggot You cheap lousy faggot Happy Christmas your arse I pray God it's our last I could have been someone Well so could anyone You took my dreams from me When I first found you I kept them with me babe I put them with my own Can't make it all alone I've built my dreams around you
- Shane MacGowan
To me, nothing depicts the Irish experience in North America quite like that song. Maybe I just come from a dysfunctional family, I don't know. But it's hard to believe that someone that looks like this could be "one of the best writers of the century", as Joe Strummer put it. All in all, a Christmas essential.
(As a side note, it is an absolute tragedy what happened to Kirsty MacColl. You can read about her mother's fight here.)
4 - "Christmas in Prison" - John Prine
This is a song that holds a special place in my heart. Not because I've ever had to spend a Christmas (or, much to my story-teller's chagrin, even a night) in prison. But because on Christmas, I always find myself thinking about all of the people who aren't as lucky as I am. All of the people who are away from their families, or worse yet, who don't have any family to spend the holidays with. The thought of it gets me every time.
But this song shows how you have to make the best of things, even when your heart is breaking from sadness and loneliness. "It's Christmas in Prison, there'll be music tonight / I'll probably get homesick, I love you, goodnight."
3 - "Blue Christmas" - Elvis Presley
This is essentially an album of polar opposites. On the one hand, you have Christmas classics like "Blue Christmas" (one of Elvis Presley's greatest achievements, as far as I'm concerned), "Santa Claus is Back in Town", and one of my personal favourites, "Santa Bring My Baby Back to Me" (done to the tune of "Teddy Bear"); and on the other, you have every other song on the album... And believe me when I say that each and every one of them is gawd awful. There is absolutely no middle ground. Completely mind boggling. It's like a riddle wrapped in an enigma.
But "Blue Christmas" is so good that it more than makes up for the rest of the album's deficiencies. I'm telling you, if I'm in a karaoke bar with a few rum and eggnogs in me in the month of December, there's little doubt that I'm bringing down the house with "Blue Christmas".
2 - "Mele Kalikimaka" - Bing Crosby
For it's role in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" alone, this Bing Crosby classic easily cracks the top-2. I can't hear this song without laughing aloud at all of the implications, not the least of which is cousin Eddie in his flippers, banana-hammock, and stained wife-beater.
And I know that there are numerous claims about what kind of a father and husband ol' Bing was, but you can't tell me that there is anything that sounds like Christmas more than that "White Christmas" album. We pretty well have it playing every Christmas morning as we sit around the tree. And plus, if it was good enough for Ralphie and his family, then chances are it's good enough for yours.
1 - "A Christmas Gift for You" - Phil Spector
This is the album by which all other Christmas albums are judged. Just look at the artists: Darlene Love, The Ronettes, The Crystals, Bob B. Soxx and the Blue Jeans... It reads like a who's who of 60's girl groups and the wall of sound. And the track list is about as festive as it gets: Frosty, Rudolph, Santa... all of the key players are there. Darlene Love's version of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" blows U2s out of the water, and The Ronettes "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is like nothing you've ever heard.
I can remember being a kid and begging my mom to put this record on for me... It was June. She had no idea why I wanted to listen to Christmas music in June, but it didn't matter to me. It wasn't even about Christmas. Even at such a young age, it was only about the music.
Here's hoping this Christmas is full of sweet sounds for everyone.
There is only one week left until Christmas, which essentially means there is only one week left for guys the world over to brave the elements and head out into the modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah that constitutes the local shopping mall.
Maybe it's because the older I get, the more I find myself turning into my dad (that sound you just heard was my girlfriend breaking up with me), but with each passing year I find myself filled with more and more disdain for the entire pecuniary-commercial-complex that Christmas has become. I mean, can't we all just get together with our families to get uproariously drunk while singing Christmas carols the way baby Jesus intended?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just bitter about the fact that I hate venturing into malls more than Michael Richards hates the invention of the camera phone.
Don't get me wrong: I still love Christmas. I always have. And when the day comes that I have a few rugrats of my own running around, I'm sure this time of year will take on an entirely new and special meaning. But you have to admit, there are times when all of the stress leading up to the night of the 24th feels a little like this:
This one is almost too close to call. First of all, you have Bill Shatner in his absolute prime. With the exception of this clip, Captain Kirk has never been better. Throw in a screaming Conan and some crowd noise, and what you have is an instant classic.
And then you have Frankie & the Knockouts. This video absolutely slays me. When you realize exactly what's going on at about the 10 second mark, it's hard to believe that nobody thought of this first. Sheer brilliance.
But I think you have to give the nod to Tall John on this one. Apparently Tall John used to be a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live, and he put together this compilation of cheezy 80's love ballad cliches as a 40th birthday present for Kimmel. The fact that he's singing this classic himself puts it over the top... and I almost pissed myself when he broke the mirror.
Feel free to cast your votes in the comments section.
Question: Who's Hayden Licking?
Answer: Kent Huskins
That's a lady who loves her team 
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4.3 IP 0.00 ERA 3 SV 
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use on Christmas, I always find myself thinking about all of the people who aren't as lucky as I am. All of the people who are away from their families, or worse yet, who don't have any family to spend the holidays with. The thought of it gets me every time.
ve as it gets: Frosty, Rudolph, Santa... all of the key players are there. Darlene Love's version of "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" blows U2s out of the water, and The Ronettes "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is like nothing you've ever heard.
Chris Farley Sighting
