Friday, August 14, 2009

Marijuana Makes You Smarter

My buddy Gizzie has the perfect storm of debauchery brewing this weekend: His bachelor party is the night of his 30th birthday, both of which will be taking place in Niagara Falls, ON.

It would not be unreasonable to expect scenes similar to these:

In any event, with such a deparvity-filled 24-hours looming, I thought I'd put the minds of the participants at ease with the following passage from Chuck Klosterman's Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs:

Last year I had to go to one of those "adult" parties. I think you know the kind of party I mean: People brought their screaming children and someone inexplicably served fresh cornbread, and half the house stood around and watched the local news affiliate when it came on at 11:00 pm. I spent the whole evening in the kitchen with the two guys I came with; we tried to have an exclusionary conversation despite the fact that we consciously drove to this party in order to be social. Most of the guests began to exit at around midnight, which is the same time some odd fellow I'd never seen before suddenly appeared next to the refrigerator and pulled out a Zippo lighter and a little wooden box.

The gathering took a decidedly different turn.

Ten minutes later, I found it necessary to mention that Journey was rock's version of the TV show Dynasty. This promted a spirited debate we dubbed "Monkees = Monkees." The goal is to figure out which television show is the closest philosophical analogy to a specific rock 'n' roll band, and the criteria is mind-blowingly complex: It's a combination of longevity, era, critical acclaim, commercial success, and - most important -the aesthetic soul of each artistic entity. For example, the Rolling Stones are Gunsmoke. The Strokes are Kiefer Sutherland's 24. Jimi Hendrix was The Twilight Zone. Devo was Fernwood 2-Night. Lynyrd Skynyrd was The Beverly Hillbillies, which makes Molly Hatchet Petticoat Junction. The Black Crowes are That '70s Show. Hall & Oates were Bosom Buddies. U2 is M*A*S*H* (both got preachy at the end). Dokken was Jason Bateman's short-lived sitcom It's Your Move. Eurythmics were Mork & Mindy. We even deduced comparisons for solo projects, which can only be made to series that were spawned as spin-offs. The four Beatles are as follows: John = Maude, Paul = Frasier, George = The Jeffersons, and Ringo = Flo. David Lee Roth's solo period was Knots Landing.

So there's your proof: Marijuana makes you smarter.


Sean McCallum said...

The Dixie Chicks are "Desperate Housewives". Creed is "Sailor Moon". Every American Idol winner is every reality TV show ever created. And Chumbawamba is "The Magic Hour".

Anonymous said...

Dude -

Creed = Sailor Moon?? I truly think not.

Like kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I dont make films
But if I did theyd have a samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs just so my
Irons arent always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

Ya, I said it. Scott Stapp never had quite the same impression on me, or, quite obviously, on my good friend Steve and Ed.